"Drinking. Probably shouldn't do it*" Nick Daffern, 9/05/2009
*Public Health Message from the heart
Concerning suck marks on her best friend's bosom:
"they were in the way" Colette Horsbourgh, 17/08/2009
"I not Naughty! I didn't piss my pants like Harry" Megan Marie Bee, aged 4, 18/08/2009
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
End of an Era
And this is the point where I stopped making entries into the Black Book. Not through design or aforethought, I just forgot about it. It faded away. A different life was being lived, with more responsibilty and concern and less socialising or opportunity. The Era passed and before I knew it we were in a new Era, the modern Era.
Who are its heroes and villains, I do not know. What came with me from the Old Era, I dare not guess.
But the passing time leaves its foot prints in the Black Book and it will record the answers, in time.
The first few marks are being made on its white centre and they will continue to do so.
The Black Book continues...
Who are its heroes and villains, I do not know. What came with me from the Old Era, I dare not guess.
But the passing time leaves its foot prints in the Black Book and it will record the answers, in time.
The first few marks are being made on its white centre and they will continue to do so.
The Black Book continues...
Pages 22 to End
"I can handle three at once*" Lucy Coogan, 12/07/2006
*She was talking about straws, but does it matter?
Concerning why Nick so often wakes up next to toilets:
"Thats because you drink too much" Laura Dennent, 12/08/2006
Nat Westwood: "I've slept with your dog"
Liz Logan: "He died" 28/10/2006
Liz Logan: "I don't want to eat yours"
Max Miller: "Well i ate your mush*" 29/10/2006
*They were talking about decapitated and smushed together flavuors of Jelly Babys, not what you're thinking of you filthy pervert.
Liz Logan: "thats really annoying putting that shelf there"
Max Miller: "Well you're really annoying standing over there*" 29/10/2006 c.f. "Having the last word" 06/2006 pages 15 to 21. Max, getting his own back....
Addressing Nat Westwood:
"Your Swayze knowledge is vast and eerie" Gabriel Morris, 31/01/2007
Concerning if you could have any Superpower, which Superpower would you have:
"The United States of America" Samuel Westwood, 13/03/2007
" : ) x *" Lucy Coogan, 23/05/2007
*still the best text message I have ever recieved.
Nat Westwood: "I'm going to use the washing machine"
Lee Bradshaw: "Ok, but don't use it all" 2/04/2007*
*I only just noted the date on this one.
"You don't get what you deserve. You get what you put up with" Lucy Coogan 22/03/2007
"Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! The juice is running out of the bag*" Liz Logan, 9/04/2007
*She was talking about a roast chicken, not a scrotum.
"You don't often open up Nat, but when you do you certainly do"Brian Robinson, 18/04/2007
"If you were a chocolate bar you'd be a Cadbury's Fruit and Nut. Because you're a little bit Fruity and a little bit Nutty. KIDDING*!" Liz Logan, 31/05/2007
*I assume she added "KIDDING!" so quickly because I gave her a Nutty look. I certainly didn't give her a Fruity one.
DAN'S FINAL QUOTE:
"You know the guy who was Xerxes? He was in Love Actually wasn't he? It was the same plot wasn't it?" Dan Bee 26/03/2007 after watching "300", he flew to Morroco the next day.
*She was talking about straws, but does it matter?
Concerning why Nick so often wakes up next to toilets:
"Thats because you drink too much" Laura Dennent, 12/08/2006
Nat Westwood: "I've slept with your dog"
Liz Logan: "He died" 28/10/2006
Liz Logan: "I don't want to eat yours"
Max Miller: "Well i ate your mush*" 29/10/2006
*They were talking about decapitated and smushed together flavuors of Jelly Babys, not what you're thinking of you filthy pervert.
Liz Logan: "thats really annoying putting that shelf there"
Max Miller: "Well you're really annoying standing over there*" 29/10/2006 c.f. "Having the last word" 06/2006 pages 15 to 21. Max, getting his own back....
Addressing Nat Westwood:
"Your Swayze knowledge is vast and eerie" Gabriel Morris, 31/01/2007
Concerning if you could have any Superpower, which Superpower would you have:
"The United States of America" Samuel Westwood, 13/03/2007
" : ) x *" Lucy Coogan, 23/05/2007
*still the best text message I have ever recieved.
Nat Westwood: "I'm going to use the washing machine"
Lee Bradshaw: "Ok, but don't use it all" 2/04/2007*
*I only just noted the date on this one.
"You don't get what you deserve. You get what you put up with" Lucy Coogan 22/03/2007
"Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! The juice is running out of the bag*" Liz Logan, 9/04/2007
*She was talking about a roast chicken, not a scrotum.
"You don't often open up Nat, but when you do you certainly do"Brian Robinson, 18/04/2007
"If you were a chocolate bar you'd be a Cadbury's Fruit and Nut. Because you're a little bit Fruity and a little bit Nutty. KIDDING*!" Liz Logan, 31/05/2007
*I assume she added "KIDDING!" so quickly because I gave her a Nutty look. I certainly didn't give her a Fruity one.
DAN'S FINAL QUOTE:
"You know the guy who was Xerxes? He was in Love Actually wasn't he? It was the same plot wasn't it?" Dan Bee 26/03/2007 after watching "300", he flew to Morroco the next day.
Pages 15 to 21
"In a previous life I was a beaver" Nick Daffern, 1/01/2006
Addressing the Philosophy Society christmas quiz:
"Empiricism. That is tangible things that can be studied. Science. Its about Measuring things. The average measurement is six inches*" Nat Westwood, 6/12/2005
*The challenge was to speak uninterupted for 1 minute without Hestitation, Repetition or Deviation. The listeners were in such huge hysterics that no more could be said.
Addressing Nat Westwood:
Concerning wooing women with words at one of many speed dates:
"Don't tell them any stories of times you vomited*" Nick Daffern, via text message, 11/12/2005
*at the time I had three stories, now its more like five.
On Daniel Bee:
"He is the type of person that if champagne could drink it would choose him" Nat Westwood, 1/01/2006
"Like Charles Kennedy I'm having more 'good' days than 'bad' days now, but the bar keepers aren't rushing to thank me" Nat Westwood, 9/01/2006
"Block Book the Black Book, because the black book is black and its back. Negro*" Dan Bee, via text message, 10/01/2006
*Is this Gibberish or Twisted Genius? Either way there are no tickets so you can't block book it.
"Chav-girls with hoop ear rings so big their feet don't touch the ground and they roll everywhere" Nick van der Leer, 10/01/2006
"They all look the same when you've got your balls on their chin*" Dan Bulmer, 24/01/2006
*Even I was shocked when I heard this one
"Why do people (parents) think you can only have sex at night?" Sophia Berrow, 26/01/2006
"Nat, this whole book is about you! You egomaniac" Sophia Berrow, 26/01/2006
Dan Bulmer's Dad: "I wanted to see what kind of drunk you are...maudlin? violent?..."
Dan Bulmer: "The kind that's too sick to swim back" 02/02/2006, 3/4 of a Mile out to sea.
Cantonese Waitress: "Sweet and Sour Chicken and egg fried rice?"
Ian O'Grady: "balls" 04/02/2006
"Not everyone kills themselves Darren" Lee Oliver, 9/02/2006
Concerning housing Nat:
"Don't mind you staying as you're just one and easy to accomodate. i.e. Southern Comfort, Chair, Blanket" Nick Daffern 14/02/2006
Nick Daffern: "In Italy there was a Bus to Labia"
Dan Bee: "How much did that cost" 18/02/2006
Concerning Nat being an Honourary Woman:
"No he's not! He's a man with a scarf on his head! Can't you see?!*" Richard Bainbridge. 18/02/2006
*Rich was really adamant
Nat Westwood: "If I give you some DNA then can you decode it for me and send it back by the end of the week?"
Richard Bainbridge: "Nat, the kids yours. Accept it" 18/02/2006
"I was 15. I had long flowing locks. I was the man*" Steve Willis, 24/02/2006
*All men have his nostalgia
"You know theres going to be a drought in the south? She won't have to worry about that when I've finished with her" Nick Daffern, 24/02/2006
"Its not if you win, its how you lose that matters" Steve Willis, 2/03/2006
Addressing Lucy Coogan, aged 15, who had consumed 4 beers for the first time, at a family occassion:
"Lucy are you ok? Are you Bulimic?" Ailsa John, 1996
Addressing Liz Logan:
"You don't have the last word. You have to have the last fucking paragraph*" Max Miller, 06/2006
*I should point out that this entry had the WORST handwriting of any. Evidence of just how drunk we were at the time
Addressing the Philosophy Society christmas quiz:
"Empiricism. That is tangible things that can be studied. Science. Its about Measuring things. The average measurement is six inches*" Nat Westwood, 6/12/2005
*The challenge was to speak uninterupted for 1 minute without Hestitation, Repetition or Deviation. The listeners were in such huge hysterics that no more could be said.
Addressing Nat Westwood:
Concerning wooing women with words at one of many speed dates:
"Don't tell them any stories of times you vomited*" Nick Daffern, via text message, 11/12/2005
*at the time I had three stories, now its more like five.
On Daniel Bee:
"He is the type of person that if champagne could drink it would choose him" Nat Westwood, 1/01/2006
"Like Charles Kennedy I'm having more 'good' days than 'bad' days now, but the bar keepers aren't rushing to thank me" Nat Westwood, 9/01/2006
"Block Book the Black Book, because the black book is black and its back. Negro*" Dan Bee, via text message, 10/01/2006
*Is this Gibberish or Twisted Genius? Either way there are no tickets so you can't block book it.
"Chav-girls with hoop ear rings so big their feet don't touch the ground and they roll everywhere" Nick van der Leer, 10/01/2006
"They all look the same when you've got your balls on their chin*" Dan Bulmer, 24/01/2006
*Even I was shocked when I heard this one
"Why do people (parents) think you can only have sex at night?" Sophia Berrow, 26/01/2006
"Nat, this whole book is about you! You egomaniac" Sophia Berrow, 26/01/2006
Dan Bulmer's Dad: "I wanted to see what kind of drunk you are...maudlin? violent?..."
Dan Bulmer: "The kind that's too sick to swim back" 02/02/2006, 3/4 of a Mile out to sea.
Cantonese Waitress: "Sweet and Sour Chicken and egg fried rice?"
Ian O'Grady: "balls" 04/02/2006
"Not everyone kills themselves Darren" Lee Oliver, 9/02/2006
Concerning housing Nat:
"Don't mind you staying as you're just one and easy to accomodate. i.e. Southern Comfort, Chair, Blanket" Nick Daffern 14/02/2006
Nick Daffern: "In Italy there was a Bus to Labia"
Dan Bee: "How much did that cost" 18/02/2006
Concerning Nat being an Honourary Woman:
"No he's not! He's a man with a scarf on his head! Can't you see?!*" Richard Bainbridge. 18/02/2006
*Rich was really adamant
Nat Westwood: "If I give you some DNA then can you decode it for me and send it back by the end of the week?"
Richard Bainbridge: "Nat, the kids yours. Accept it" 18/02/2006
"I was 15. I had long flowing locks. I was the man*" Steve Willis, 24/02/2006
*All men have his nostalgia
"You know theres going to be a drought in the south? She won't have to worry about that when I've finished with her" Nick Daffern, 24/02/2006
"Its not if you win, its how you lose that matters" Steve Willis, 2/03/2006
Addressing Lucy Coogan, aged 15, who had consumed 4 beers for the first time, at a family occassion:
"Lucy are you ok? Are you Bulimic?" Ailsa John, 1996
Addressing Liz Logan:
"You don't have the last word. You have to have the last fucking paragraph*" Max Miller, 06/2006
*I should point out that this entry had the WORST handwriting of any. Evidence of just how drunk we were at the time
Error Message
At this point the original black book was destroyed by water and the remenants were collected in the current non-virtual Black Book. The work continues in its new form in the following pages and posts. Please use the sidebar to navigate.
Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
Pages 13 and 14
"The only way to control Nat is with a cattle prod, a blow-up doll, a bull whip, and a large tub of lube" Nick Daffern, 19/07/2003
Concerning Nina's goggle fetish:
"Don't they steam up?" Nat Westwood, 28/08/2003
True Romance Blossoms and Nat finally relents to Nina's advances:
"I think I'm drunk enough now" Nat Westwood, 28/08/2003, Dance floor of Snobs
"Why do we have feet? Why not hooves?" Dan Bee, 04/11/2003
A Blunderbuss filled with Batshit. That'll be fun" Kevin Whitehead, 12/11/2003
Concerning life in Sardinia:
"If you are lucky you will hear the Priest swear when he plays football" Enrico, 10/11/2003
"Roz, where's my other jar of wax?" Nick Daffern (while topless and not realising he has guests), 09/10/2004
Addressing a French Hairdresser and realising he didn't know enough french:
"Allez?" Dan Bee, date lost.
Addressee unknown, but likely Nat Westwood:
"Isn't your village missing its idiot?" Nick Daffern, 18/10/2004
Concerning Nina's goggle fetish:
"Don't they steam up?" Nat Westwood, 28/08/2003
True Romance Blossoms and Nat finally relents to Nina's advances:
"I think I'm drunk enough now" Nat Westwood, 28/08/2003, Dance floor of Snobs
"Why do we have feet? Why not hooves?" Dan Bee, 04/11/2003
A Blunderbuss filled with Batshit. That'll be fun" Kevin Whitehead, 12/11/2003
Concerning life in Sardinia:
"If you are lucky you will hear the Priest swear when he plays football" Enrico, 10/11/2003
"Roz, where's my other jar of wax?" Nick Daffern (while topless and not realising he has guests), 09/10/2004
Addressing a French Hairdresser and realising he didn't know enough french:
"Allez?" Dan Bee, date lost.
Addressee unknown, but likely Nat Westwood:
"Isn't your village missing its idiot?" Nick Daffern, 18/10/2004
Monday, 17 August 2009
Pages 6-12
Nat: "Whats funny?"
Dan: "Brain activity around this table"
24/03/2003, Amroth Castle, Pembrookshire
"What is it with me and finding loose rocks*?" Nick Daffern, 29/03/2003
*what is it with Nick Daffern and finding Inuendo?
Addressing the revulsion of pornography:
"Was it all the fluids?" Marie Pilkington, 29/03/2003
Pete Turner: "Whats the meaning of life?"
Laura Dennent: "69*?"
30/03/2003
*the Director's Cut Ending to Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Concerning the younger brother of "ninja-boy" Paul Breeze:
"They should have stopped at Paul and got goldfish instead" Alan Thomas, 30/03/2003
"We're just here to make the numbers" Evil Dave Bankier, 31/03/2003
"If you press the right buttons and fondle the hole in the wall it will ejaculate a load of money over you" Simon Esmonde-Cleary 22/05/2003
"I'll have your brain, Nat, you can have my finger*" Max Miller, 24/05/2003
*Max's unwanted proposition. I never had Max's finger. I'm not sure if I still have my brain.
"My bollocks are entwined with my boxers. They have become one. It must be my Mutant Power. Fuck!*" Dan Bee, 29/05/2003
*Concerning the disappointment of when your mutant powers don't meet your expectations.
Addressing Nathaniel Westwood:
"When I think of the Black Book, I think of you, and vice versa" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
Addressing Nina Wilmott via text message:
"I'm in Crete with Dan and Nick getting wasted. Do you want me to bring you back a dildo?" Nathaniel Westwood, 30/05/2003
Concerning Boredom:
"Take a shit, That'll pass some time*" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
*Indeed, a whole new definition of "passing some time". Twisted Genius.
Concerning the Cat and her Kittens making a home on our Mini-golf course:
"There's a free nipple. Can I have a go?" Dan Bee 30/05/2003
Addressing some evilly dark storm clouds and laughing insanely:
"But, Father, Why?" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
Repeating himself with a new context:
"Butt-Father, why?" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
Concerning unusual poker chips:
"Bask in the vastness of the little orange eggs" Dan Bee
Chris: "I know a kung-fu chest grab"
Gemma: "Grab my Chest!"
26/06/2003
"There once was a famous matador...he died" Enrico, 6/07/2003
"You know you have a P.E. Teacher who is really mean. Well, I fucked his daughter and did a really shit job of it and fell asleep half way through." John Davies, 6/07/2003
"I was that far away from a blowjob last night*" Mark, 07/07/2003
*hand gesture required. approx. 1" width, turned to fit between lap and inclinded head of same lap.
"If you don't try as much as possible you never know what you might fail at" Mark Mathieson,, 7/07/2003
Concerning an Ant's Nest:
"I've killed the Queen! Now, I am their God. To feed they will have to eat my lactated juices" Nat Westwood, 7/07/2003
"Enrico's smoking bits of the Tent" Simon Esmonde-Cleary, 09/07/2003
"Die by the age of 30. Saves pissing yourself later*" Nick Daffern, 9/07/2003
*This comment has become a hostage to fortune. Tragically Ironic now. And I have included it for a complete record and also to serve as a salutary moment admist all the mirth.
Concerning a pain in his arse:
"Jenna Jameson, she better have a sore arse, dirty bitch" Dan Bee, 11/07/2003
"Sept Poissons si vous plait?"
[can i have seven fish please]
Daniel Badcock, 9/07/2003
"What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag!" Nick Daffern, 11/07/2003
"Nat, you are the personification of laugh" Enrico, 11/07/2003
"Do you know Starships Troopers when the Brain Bug bites the top off the guys head and sucks out his brains? Well, I can't eat Cadbury's Cream Eggs now" Gemma Wilson, 15/07/2003
Addressing Sian:
"Before you came to University were you known as the village bike?*" Nat Westwood, 11/07/2003
*The most infamous thing I have ever said?
Dan: "Brain activity around this table"
24/03/2003, Amroth Castle, Pembrookshire
"What is it with me and finding loose rocks*?" Nick Daffern, 29/03/2003
*what is it with Nick Daffern and finding Inuendo?
Addressing the revulsion of pornography:
"Was it all the fluids?" Marie Pilkington, 29/03/2003
Pete Turner: "Whats the meaning of life?"
Laura Dennent: "69*?"
30/03/2003
*the Director's Cut Ending to Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Concerning the younger brother of "ninja-boy" Paul Breeze:
"They should have stopped at Paul and got goldfish instead" Alan Thomas, 30/03/2003
"We're just here to make the numbers" Evil Dave Bankier, 31/03/2003
"If you press the right buttons and fondle the hole in the wall it will ejaculate a load of money over you" Simon Esmonde-Cleary 22/05/2003
"I'll have your brain, Nat, you can have my finger*" Max Miller, 24/05/2003
*Max's unwanted proposition. I never had Max's finger. I'm not sure if I still have my brain.
"My bollocks are entwined with my boxers. They have become one. It must be my Mutant Power. Fuck!*" Dan Bee, 29/05/2003
*Concerning the disappointment of when your mutant powers don't meet your expectations.
Addressing Nathaniel Westwood:
"When I think of the Black Book, I think of you, and vice versa" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
Addressing Nina Wilmott via text message:
"I'm in Crete with Dan and Nick getting wasted. Do you want me to bring you back a dildo?" Nathaniel Westwood, 30/05/2003
Concerning Boredom:
"Take a shit, That'll pass some time*" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
*Indeed, a whole new definition of "passing some time". Twisted Genius.
Concerning the Cat and her Kittens making a home on our Mini-golf course:
"There's a free nipple. Can I have a go?" Dan Bee 30/05/2003
Addressing some evilly dark storm clouds and laughing insanely:
"But, Father, Why?" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
Repeating himself with a new context:
"Butt-Father, why?" Dan Bee, 30/05/2003
Concerning unusual poker chips:
"Bask in the vastness of the little orange eggs" Dan Bee
Chris: "I know a kung-fu chest grab"
Gemma: "Grab my Chest!"
26/06/2003
"There once was a famous matador...he died" Enrico, 6/07/2003
"You know you have a P.E. Teacher who is really mean. Well, I fucked his daughter and did a really shit job of it and fell asleep half way through." John Davies, 6/07/2003
"I was that far away from a blowjob last night*" Mark, 07/07/2003
*hand gesture required. approx. 1" width, turned to fit between lap and inclinded head of same lap.
"If you don't try as much as possible you never know what you might fail at" Mark Mathieson,, 7/07/2003
Concerning an Ant's Nest:
"I've killed the Queen! Now, I am their God. To feed they will have to eat my lactated juices" Nat Westwood, 7/07/2003
"Enrico's smoking bits of the Tent" Simon Esmonde-Cleary, 09/07/2003
"Die by the age of 30. Saves pissing yourself later*" Nick Daffern, 9/07/2003
*This comment has become a hostage to fortune. Tragically Ironic now. And I have included it for a complete record and also to serve as a salutary moment admist all the mirth.
Concerning a pain in his arse:
"Jenna Jameson, she better have a sore arse, dirty bitch" Dan Bee, 11/07/2003
"Sept Poissons si vous plait?"
[can i have seven fish please]
Daniel Badcock, 9/07/2003
"What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag!" Nick Daffern, 11/07/2003
"Nat, you are the personification of laugh" Enrico, 11/07/2003
"Do you know Starships Troopers when the Brain Bug bites the top off the guys head and sucks out his brains? Well, I can't eat Cadbury's Cream Eggs now" Gemma Wilson, 15/07/2003
Addressing Sian:
"Before you came to University were you known as the village bike?*" Nat Westwood, 11/07/2003
*The most infamous thing I have ever said?
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